I am 34. A man. Still hovering right around 250 lbs. I am married. I am a father. I am tired. A little over two and a half years later my life is filled with plenty to do. I overwhelmed the hell out of myself at the beginning of this year 2024 and fell into a nasty habit of mine. This particular habit was scolding my son for something he didn’t do.
I had caught him playing games on a school day and my harsh upbringing and old thinking patterns of negativity brought out all the most toxic ways of trying to correct his course. Overcorrect I should say. If I had checked my damn phone after a mid morning nap I would have seen that he was actually keeping up with school. That I had simply not been aware cause we don’t talk that much. That I in fact don’t keep up with him. Not entirely my fault but not something I can’t do here and there. It’s hard to do it when you’re estranged. It’s hard to bridge a gap you don’t feel worthy of crossing,. If you asked my whole family they would say I was forgiven. And they would mean it. But forgiveness was not something that was given out very often. Nor was it given simply because we loved each other. It was conditional just like the love we had when I was growing up. My children pay for my pains and emotional scars. I was too stuck in the past habits. I was thinking the same regurgitated bile that I had locked up in my own mind. I was building up resentment for doing more, and I was doing more because I thought I should always be working hard. But that builds up. And I overdid it at this point. But even then I didn’t check to see if I was mad with judgment and let it slip that I held some dark thoughts, some grudges, judgements unfounded upon my own son. Not because he is perfect. He has had his phase of hard times and made it all the worse being stubborn and reckless. But he has grown. And the changing from immature to matured was so fast and so out of nowhere from my perspective that I could not believe it. I’m no where near as judging when it comes to the way that my parents were and yet while the times before my fall from grace were fantastic to me I felt I did not understand. And I didn’t. I do now. But I didn’t then.
With the way this post is going I might as well type 12,500 days later! 34 years of being led by the overworked and the underexperienced has led me to believe there’s a pretty good reason you need job experience before going into life. Or maybe it’s life experience before going into work. I forget which comes first.
I had quite the intuition when I was young. The funny part about letting go of what you thought was useless information is that you can convince yourself the most useful tools don’t work because they didn’t work for someone else. I let go of a lot of beliefs’ that I have recently picked right back up and found as easy to revisit as checking in on an old friend through Facebook. Or taking an old notebook and reciting it as narrative. Specifically my self talk and my own personal conversations with the thing. The one. the universe. The avatar to the essential paradigm of my life’s story being written out before me by some of the wildest forces that simply bump into each other to roll the dice of chance and gimme all the wonderous randomly generated procedurally emerging situations that make up everything that I am and will be.
AHHHHH! I love how hard it is to simply come out and say I talk with God. A two way conversation that is the same and very much akin to the series “Conversations With God” but honestly at 34, I can’t ignore myself any longer. I am on the verge of getting right back into the thick of things. I haven’t actually said it out loud or discussed it with anyone else but I have been feeling the urge to rekindle my faith, write like it’s my vocation(my life’s work even), and pursue performance art. I don’t really want a whole group of people to talk about it with. I picked up the 1999 published book by Neale Donald Walsch “Friendship With God” and, my lord it is one of the most relatable damn things I’ve ever read. got through over 100 pages in two days and that’s saying a lot because I am not a fast reader by any means. I’m able to type out drafts faster than I’m able to read.
I’m not going to get too deep into the tales of my life or what exactly if anything (and many things) did leer me away from myself. That’s too long for this quick update. Not that I didn’t start writing it but I can tell now when I don’t want to write something truly because it won’t come out onto the page as strongly. I won’t want to keep writing it. I have to get my first novel my first fictional work done. A spiritual redemption comedy.
I feel super proud of and accomplished with a couple of really awesome works some updated version and many completely original poetry that are slices of my life and my thoughts. some abstract. some metaphorical. Some very grounded and simply perspective sharing. And some, dare I say, politically charged. All culminating in a few observations of that thing. That something that everyone may have. Maybe even are connected by. That thing that God might be.
At the same time. I have to learn to take it easy. Give in to giving to myself. Within and all around me. Toi allow myself to be worth something in my own eyes and not just the eyes of others. And to not pin my entire self worth on one thing alone. Lest I decide my fate is to go insane with effort and overcritical negativity.
So a month back in Texas will do. Next time I write. I’ll talk about the wonderous things that have happened along my journey as a result of this stressful incident. I’ll keep mentioning the feelings I have along the way. For now I’m Comfy Here. I hope you are too.
Comfy Thoughts 
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